MORBID TUESDAY!!

1. Place your bets, guys. Who's going out first: Dick Cheney, Fidel Castro, or Kieth Richards?

2. What the hell is "Suicide is Painless" supposed to mean? How is pain eliminated by being self-inflicted?

3. What fate would you not even wish upon your worst enemy? What fate would you wish upon them?

DISH OF THE DAY


Apparently we can blame Calista Flockhart for American anorexia but we can't blame you for American obesity?

I call Bullshit.

INEXPLICABLE MATH UPDATE!!

Flash model visually demonstrates Benfords law. I don't get it.

SPIRITUAL MONDAY!!

1. Who would win in a knock-down, all-or-nothing grudge-match between Jesus and Buddha? Where would the fight take place? Cage or no cage?

2. What about with Muhammed & Siddartha?

3. Pere Noel & the Maytag Man?

DISH OF THE DAY


This child scares the hell out of me.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY UPDATE

All is right with the world as long as it can still create this.

SCIENCE SUNDAY!!

1. Can discovery be evil? What about the methods of discovery? How are they distinguishable from eachother in a practical sense?

2. Most detrimental technology at use in our everyday lives. (Detrimental to our overall well-being and quality of life, I mean.)

3. Okay, so I have this idea for an application of J.S. Bell's theorum (which shows that the spins of electrons in a molecule are linked, even after the molecule is separated, no matter the distance between the halves of the molecule.) My idea involves a new, far more reliable telecommunications infrastructure with limited fiber optics. How far off do you think this technology (the theorum) is from being implementable in commercial pursuits?

DISH OF THE DAY


In 2004 you effectively made U.S. Government non-representative.

Get eaten.

POP CULTURE SATURDAY!!

1. Flipping it around this week, five songs you can't stand from artists you otherwise love.

2. Why does the Bedford area piss me off so much?

3. What non-musical cross-over celebrity would you most like to see try to cut an album?

DISH OF THE DAY

Look at you. You were a young hottie, intimidatingly smart and full of potential, which you have fulfilled, as Frylock might say, in the most ass way possible. You used to be every Demoacrat's sister, the girl they'd stand up and fight for no matter what cost. Sure, your healtrh care program didn't work out the way you'd planned, but no one else had any ideas, and you were using the First Lady's office in a way no one since Edith Wilson. It was a sight to be seen.

Now, between sensibly taking a moderate, common-sense stance on abortion and religion, you're fighting windmills like sex in the Grand Theft Auto games and siding with Hollywood plutocrats on Digital Rights Management. I voted you into Senate, like a great many people in my district, because you looked toward the future with a pragmatic eye. Now you kowtow to what I'll call the "batshit-crazy" right for ploitcal gain, and with every vote you seem less and less sincere. I know you're going for the Presidency and all, but I have a better idea.

Don't run.

You'll win in the primary, sure. You'll be the most visible, most well known candidate by a landslide, but you don't have a chance of winning the general. For the last fifteen years, the Republican Machine has inexplicably chosen you as their whipping boy, from town hall, talk shows, pulpits and bumper-stickers they've made you out to be the anti-christ. Swing voters from battleground states might be willing to vote democratic after all the Bush administration has put them through, but - fair or not - they'll never allow themselves to vote for you.

You'll get the Dems, but never the country, and it'll be the death rattle for the party.

COOL DESIGN UPDATE

Make bill-paying happy fun time!

SEXY FRIDAY!!

1. Mommy, where do fetishes come from?

2. Has the sexual revolution truly led to an age of moral decay in America? If so, then how so/ Why are sexual "ethics" so central to our moral worldview?

3. Biggest naive sexual misconception of your youth. Go on. Embarass your self.

DISH OF THE DAY


You can stop now. It turns out there's no Nobel Prize for suck.

SCIENCE NEWS BULLETTIN!!

Apparently we can blame the Cornhuskers for Skynet.

PRAGMATIC THURSDAY!!

...Maybe my favorite of all chuddays...

Here we go! Government edition!

1. Is the U.S. truly over-litigious as a society? If so, what should we do about it?

2. State legislators from Utah and Montana are both trying to find ways to circumvent the 17th amendment, which makes U.S. Senators electable by direct popular vote as opposed to being appointed by State Legistatures as outlined in Article I Section 3. This seems to me to be a pretty straight-forward play for corporate graft, but if someone can give me a realistic pside, I'd like to hear it.

3. Why is privacy considered a right? Why should we be concerned with government spying if we're not doing anything wrong? Honestly, I'm not trying to play Devil's advocate; I'm just having a tough time coming up with a coherent answer.

DISH OF THE DAY


Truth be told, I'm still not certain whetther Sanrio falls on the side of "Good" or "evil" yet (and I kinda want one of those bad-ass Badtz Maru Fenders) , but this passage from their web page is certainly unsettling.

"Everybody wants to spend their days being happy.
It is a common wish of just about anyone on the face of the Earth.
But just what is happiness?
As the old saying goes, "No man is an island." Humans need each other.
We help each other to survive, to live a meaningful life.
We trust and depend on our companions .
We strive to get along with one another.
Perhaps that is what happiness is...
And who are our "companions"? For a start, there are those closest to home: Mother, father, children, brother, sister, lover...
Then, there are our schoolmates, our work mates... If one looks broadly enough, our circle of companions encompasses all of humankind.
In order to get along with one another, we need to respect and to love.
And the expression of respect and love is the basis of Sanrio's "Social Communication" business.
Ever since Sanrio's establishment in 1960, this philosophy has been the core of our business, which ranges from the design and sale of social communications gifts and greeting cards, to publishing, production and distribution of the Strawberry Newspaper, to the planning and operation of theme parks.
The common thread running through all our various business is the idea of giving "from the heart" and "of the heart."
Whether one is sad, down, happy or whatever... We want to help people share these important feelings with one another.
This is the reason for our business. And it is a business of which we are very proud."

They also run KFC in Japan, which is unsettling as well, even if I can't put my finger on exactly why...

INANE WEDNESDAY!!

1. How many visigoths does it take to change a lightbulb?

2. Train A starts off going south from Dallas at 10:15 a.m., averaging a speed of 70mph. Train B sets off at 11:00 a.m., heading north from Houston, averaging 65 mph on it's journey. Where do you bury the survivors?

3. Is there really a point to Inane Wednesday? Should I keep doing them? And if not, what should I replace it with? Iwas thinking Guest Wednesday, or maybe even Guest Quatillsday, where someone else writes the questions and I sit back with a chardonnay. Anyone have any better ideas?

DISH OF THE DAY


I'm just not feeling the hate today, guys. So here's a picture of a fennec. Apparently you can keep these as pets. I want one right now.

MORBID TUESDAY!!

1. Saddest/oddest/most shocking celebrity death and why?

2. To me, trying to imagine the "experience" of lifelessness is like trying to imagine the experience of blindness. I picture blackness, rather than the lack of any sensation at all. Does anyone have any toughts about the "experience" of no longer having any experiences?

3. Can there be an argument in favor of the death penalty as a necessary adjunct to justice? And if so, how does one define the purpose of justice itself?

DISH OF THE DAY


You cancelled Arrested Development.

SPIRITUAL MONDAY!!

1. Is the concept of free will, and its role in the course of human events, tantamount to "playing dice with the universe? If so, what does this mean for the universe, and if not, how do we rectify this monkey-wrench into an otherwise controlled system?

2. Prophet Baha'u'llah of the Baha'i faith claims that, "Science without Faith is materialism. Faith without Science is supersition." Discuss.

3. What is the Matrix? What is the Matrix Reloaded?

DISH OF THE DAY


Psshhh- Try 'n tell ME how to live. You know what's coming to you...

SCIENCE SUNDAY!!

1. What do you think will be the most influential technological innovation of the next century? More importantly, what's keeping you from trying to create this technology yourself?

2. All my life I've been taught that Racism is a learned trait, which seems valid, but it also seems to me that xenophobia would be an inherent survival instinct. What do you think? Is tolerance or prejudice the natural state of things, or is the line somewhere in between?

3. What do you guys think of this? Make sure to read the whole thing.

DISH OF THE DAY


Q: What do you do if you're stuck in a room with Hitler, Mussolini, and you, and you only have a gun with two bullets?

A: Shoot you twice. Then dump you into the sewars. Don't worry. They'll find you. And they've got fresh basil.

POP CULTURE SATURDAY!!

1. What was the first R-rated movie you ever saw? Did it live up to it's awesome potential? Would it be nearly as good if you saw it again today?

2. Top five songs you love from artists you otherwise don't care for. C'mon guys.

3. If you are in a situation where you are faced with two evil forces, and you find a way to pit them against eachother in hopes of their mutual destruction, is your action "good," in that it aims to erradicate the evil, or "bad," in that is utilizes said evils as weapons to begin with? To put it another way, is there a moral problem with sending Paris Hilton to Saudi Arabia?

DISH OF THE DAY


First you lead us into unnecessary war, in spectacularly Orwellian fashion. Then you manage to secure no-bid defense contracts for your favorite cronies. Good, good. But then it turns out some of the no-bid products don't work very well! Like the body armor, for one! So you essentially tell your men, "If you didn't want to die in a desert, you shouldn't have followed us to war," which at least was true, even if it didn't really address the problem.

But wait! What now? Some of the families are pooling money together to buy the top-of-the-line body armor that the army, you know, might want or have at a later date. This stuff is tough. Like, it's been known to absorb nine rounds of heavy ammunition with minimal damage - and with the infantryman not even feeling it. Clearly a change needs to be made, and you know just what it is: threaten disciplinary action against all who refuse to wear the no-bid, inferior armor, and deny them their SGLI Death insurance.

Well done, Soldier.

You truly are an army of one.

MODERATELY SEXY FRIDAY!!

1. Think about the people you've been attracted to throughout your life? Are they mostly from the same racial/cultural heritage as you? If so, do you think the attraction is genetic/environmental/narcissistic? If not, what do you think draws you to those other cultures?

2. Along those lines, how do we best judge our own attractiveness? Not only in comparison to others, but as it vacillates from day to day?

3. Easy one. Hottest cartoon character from your youth.

DISH OF THE DAY

You did it. You killed him and you know it, I don't care what anyone else says. Truth be told, I don't even care about Kurt that much, but your life is just such a gping absence of anything positive that I can't believe you're still allowed to walk around free.

Also, you're pretty talentless.

PRAGMATIC THURSDAY!! AGAIN!!

Sorry 'bout the blog-fast. Work is insane and I haven't had any good ideas. Yup. A weeek and a half of this just drained me dry. Whew.

Anyways, I'm back at Chris's prodding, so here, to celebrate, is a story.

1. If you HAD to commit a felony tomorrow, which would you choose?

2. How long of a prison sentence would have to be handed down to make you seriously attempt a break-out?

3. Now that you're on the lam, where do you settle. Why? What are your priorities at this point?

DISH OF THE DAY


You are a deeply. deeply unfunny man. And kind of a dick to boot. You have made me laugh exactly one time in my life, and that is when the Pierces shot your horny ass down at their own party. That was funny. That made me laugh. This outfit your wearing, that pose, those aren't funny. That's exactly the way I see you - a pathetic, immature middle-aged mad doing anything he can to get into a teenagers clothes.

If I meet you again, I will spit on you. And you will have earned it.

SEXY FRIDAY!!

1. In your life experience, what year marks the most practical age of consent? Should it be higher? Lower? Is it an arbitrary deadline, and if so, is it still better than nothing?

2. If you could give your naive and virginal younger self one piece of advice that would save you from later trauma and/or embrassment, what would it be?

3. Asusuming we can all agree that good-looking clothes are generally sexier than all-out nakedness, to what extent does imagination play a role in attraction and arousal? And isn't disappointment then the expected flipside?

DISH OF THE DAY


When I was thirteen I was going through a (very self-inflicted) tough time. I won't bore you with the details, because I honestly can't even remember them for the most part, but also because seventh grade simply sucks for everyone, largely because everyone thinks they're the only ones who feel that shitty. I was certainly no better.
Then Easter came along, and my parents had put "Siamese Dream" in my basket. Suddenly I wasn't alone anymore. Somebody knew how I felt. And more to the point, they also knew how to ROCK!I played that album to thhe point where it wouldn't even work as a beer coaster anymore. Then Mellon Collie came out on October 24th, 1995. My birthday was in two days but I bought it that night and gave it the same heavy rotation that Siamese Dream got. It was glorious. Then a couple of things happened.
First, you were scheduled to play SNL. Tarantino was the host. My friends made jokes all week about this being MY episode. The jokes were stupid, mind you, but I didn't care. Quentin was hosting and you were playing and life couldn't get any better. Then you took the stage. Or mather, a thumping mutant Martian with similar facial features to yours took the stage. I didn't understand. You had hair in the promos! What happened? A little part of me died that day. I couldn't put my finger on it then, but now I think I know what heppend that Saturday night. Here was this music - this whole genre of music - that spoke to me, silly as it was. It took me to a higher place, and kept me back from the brink of irreversable depression, and I suddenly saw it for all the posturing that it was.
The second thing was when my brother asked you to sign an autograph for me and you told him to tell me to "fuck off." He delivered the message.
Ever since then you've smirked and whined your way along, moving further and further from relavence as you go. I pondered putting you on this list. "What's the point?" I thought, "'His carreer's already over. And besides, the old music still kicks ass." And then I looked at your picture above, like Yanni all set for swim season, and I remembered. Siamese Dream is amazing, but you still suck. The C.H.U.D.'s can have you now.

PRAGMATIC THURSDAY!!

1. If you were editing your own wiki page, which lies would you be most tempted to spread about yourself, and why?

2. You have 2.5 million to invest in real estate, anywhere in the world, and you must invest it all right now. Where to you buy?

3. What, do you feel, should be the maximum price of oil, in terms of blood? How can we accurately determine the current price on these terms?

DISH OF THE DAY


*mumblemumble*...stupid figure skater...*mubledymumble*...thinks she's so smart...

INANE WEDNESDAY!!

1. What's so funny 'bout peace love and understanding?

2. How do you sleep?

3. Where have all the cowboys gone?

DISH OF THE DAY



In 1992 you started your journalism career. In 1994 you found your niche in the audience of Newt Gingrich's pissed-off victory parade. In 2000 you made a devil's bargain for fame, in return for which you would contort yourself however you had to in order to defend the Bush agenda. You want to be the next Ann Coulter, which is a disturbing enough dream on it's own, but not even Ann lies and screeches this much. Whether defending the use of internment camps, or trying to discredit assault victims based on their politics, you are simply two things. First, a fascist. Second, a horrible human being. If you were fed to the C.H.U.D.'s, my regret would be that it couldn't happen twice.

IN MEMORIAM

Cy

12/28/2005-12/29/2005

and with that...

MORBID TUESDAY!!

1. A simple one, but when you go out, how do you want to go? Burn out, or fade away? Or ride off into the sunset, on fire? Thoughts? Ways? Etc?

2. What's the most creative form of "cruel" or "unusual" punishment you can devise?

3. What justification is there in defense of the extreme and graphic violence present in movies such as 'Wolf Creek" and games such as "Manhunt?" What draws (some of) us to these genres? Does art - or art-like entities protected under free expression - need justification aside from succeeding on its own terms? (courtesy of the Onion AV Club, kind of.)

DISH OF THE DAY


Dude!

*shudder*

SPIRITUAL MONDAY!!

1. If Judas' betrayal is neccesary for Jesus' crucifixion, and thus the salvation of mankind, shouldn't he be exonerated for his actions? And if not, then hasn't Judas paid a much higher price for humanity than Christ?

2. Can there ever be an a priori argument for any moral system? If morality is based on adhering to social priorities, then how are those priorities determined?

3. Can our current happiness ever be independent of our happiness with our past actions, or are they one in the same? And if they are inextricably related, what is their relationship? Do our past action and our opinions of them allow us to be happy - or not - in the present day? Or do our moods in the present day color how we view ourselves yesterday?

DISH OF THE DAY



You're not funny. You're not clever. You're not cool. You're the junior college graduate who hangs out at the high school parties trying to impress the sixteen year olds.

I don't like you.

SCIENCE SUNDAY!!

1. Apparently I'm ignorant, but could someone please explain to me all the "ethical" problems that cloning brings up? Is it all about mankind creating life on its own, as opposed to God, and the subsequent worry that the clones will be without a soul, somehow? And if so, aren't we all... um... kinda past that?

2. After all the hype back in 2000, what other theoretical inventions could the Segway have ended up being that would have been an equal or greater letdown?

3. The stated reason that it will be impossible to ever create a "Perpetual Motion" device is to to energy lost through friction. That said, won't some genius one day discover how to harness the power of friction?

DISH OF THE DAY

Seriously...

POP CULTURE SATURDAY!!

1. Am I evil for finding the skinny Lindsay Lohan more attractive? Also, with obesity being a nationwide epidemic, isnt there room for the emaciated few to kick-start America's plumpened youth into dieting? Or does the absurd gap between the two just feed eating disorders from both sides?

2. "I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier." Ad Nauseum. It makes no sense at all, so why is that damn Killers song so damn good?

3. One fine pre-Glitter year in the halcyon nineties, Mariah Carey was nominated to win five Grammies (they're the music industry's version of the Oscars or Emmys, but without any cumbersome honor, prestige, or even meaning.) She arrived with one outfit on and four others in tow, so that she could change between each victory, and yet she failed to win a single category. Is this the finest moment in Grammy history? Is it schadenfreud to even laugh at such a thing? Or does the fact that it's Mariah Carey put a chink in the armor of the whole shameful-joy idea anyway?

DISH OF THE DAY

If I had a hammer/ I'd beat him in the morning/ I'd beat him in the evening/ All over this land!

Incidentally, a hammer is the suggested utensil for tenderizing fascists before dicing them and tossing them into the crock-pot with velveeta and chopped bell-peppers.

Oh, and if I had a bell, I'd be a very rich man right now. It's too complicated to explain right now, but IF ONLY I HAD A BELL!

That, and courage.

SEXY FRIDAY!!

1. Why do we love large breasts? Is it purely Freudian, or does it stem from the idea that we, as humans, are drawn to what we do not have ourselves? And in the case of men who dig smaller breasts, what can be said from either side about that? Huh? Answer me!

2. Where, and by what definition, do we draw the line between art and pornography, and is such a definition actually necessary? Does the Nirvana Nevermind cover count as child pornography? What about the Scorpions' Virginkiller cover? Is there a notable distinction?

3. Think about the first person you ever fantasized - really fantasized - about. What features of their physique or personality drew you to them? Do those same features figure largely in what you find attractive today?

DISH OF THE DAY

Well. What do we have here? You were arguably the best (current) player for the best and most important team in the history of any sport, and what did you do with it? You opted for free agency and blackmailed the Red Sox with an "offer" of your last seven twilight years for $52 million. Then when they (and no one else) would take it, you signed with the hated rivals, the New York Yankees, proving to young baseball fans everywhere that there's no such thing as loyalty. You once inspired dreams in cynical hearts and brought tears to the eys of grown men. Now you're cutting your hair for the enemy. I'm calling Steinbrenner "Delilah" from now on.

Incidentally, traitors are best sauteed in a butter wine sauce, garnished with cilantro, and served with a lemon coucous. A crisp white wine will make the bitter taste more palatable.

PRAGMATIC THURSDAY!!

1. Describe in detail how you would stage the ideal daylight bank robbery.

2. You've founded a new country, but until you've built up a stable economic base, you must tie your currency to the worth of a foreign currency (a la Bermuda with the American Dollar.) Which currency do you chose, and why?

3. You're going to have a child in one year's time. You don't know with whom, and you know nothing about the physical or mental capacities of that child, how they will develop, and so on. However, you must choose their carreer path today, and they will be bound to follow it under any possible circumstances. What do you choose for them, and why? Would it help your decision if you knew the sex of the child beforehand?

DISH OF THE DAY


And he cooks in his own oil!

FOCUS STRIKE SETTLED. AUTHORITIES PRAISE BLOG FOR RESTRAINT WITH PSEUDO-HIPSTER RAMBLING.

Once upon a time this blog had no purpose, no reason. It had a "when," a "who," and even a few fleeting "hows," but it had no "why." Even in its infancy, it knew, if it were a human baby, it would be the child of two snotty, sub-literate midwestern teens, unwanted, unplanned-for, and untended.

This blog was no human baby, however. It was a twitching, biting C.H.U.D. baby, and it was gonna get its goddamn milk one way or the other.

So. After much diliberation and coffee and typos and discussions with Chris Reid about my numerous shortcomings and overall sonofabitchery, I have decided on a two-fold purpose, because three folds would just be disgusting. You know?!!

PURPOSE #1 - In accordance with the "Roundtable" part of the sign on the door, everyday this site will open with questions, probably a few of them so as not to depend on the stupid/too-clever/lame ones. Then... discuss! or throw rocks at eachothers' ideas! It's just like a real roundtable, with me as the unassailable king.

PURPOSE #2 - In order to assist my readership of Cannabalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, my site will also feature the "Daily Dish," a link to the wiki of the person or people deemed most deserving ofbeing cooked alive in a sewer and eaten. I might even explain why, unless its someone like Alan Ruck. He knows why.

And soooooooooo..... COMMENCE!

FOCUS STRIKE!!!

C.H.U.D. Roundtable is officially announcing Focus Strike until some loyal reader might grant us with a worthy theme. And then stick around to help implement it. SO.... It's boring and pretensious pseudo-hipster ramblings until we can decide on our purpose, at which point, of course, all are welcome.

Thank you, and theme/gimmick submissions may be e-mailed to adawsonsmith@gmail.com

Welcome! To the Uninformed Newbie Blog! May I one day learn enough to be insidious and sinister.