SEXY FRIDAY!! KINDA!!

In retrospect, yesterday’s piece might have been a little inappropriate considering that JonBenet Ramsey was on the cover of every newspaper in the country for the first time in ten years. After much thought, I’ve decided that it would have been inappropriate in any case, so no retraction will be given.

That said…

Snakes on a Plane Day

Because the snakes are on the floor, you see...

That’s right. Today is the mid-twenties slacker holiday that we’ve been waiting our whole lives to be mid-twenties slackers to finally celebrate. Let’s just think of the grand simplicity, for one last time, before running into the theatres with rubber snakes and beach balls, hopefully turning this into the Rocky Horror Picture Show of our time.

There are Snakes. As opposed to their normal habitat, they are for some reason confined to a Plane. Samuel L. Jackson – as I understand it – is unhappy about this scenario (as are the Snakes, presumably) and will do whatever is in his power to remove them.

I mean come on. If Homer were alive today he’d be all, “Shit. I’ve been messing around with lotus flowers when I could’ve had Sam Jackson on a plane with Snakes. Damn.”

(note: in accordance with the customs of Snakes on a Plane Day, Snakes on a Plane will not be italicized, as it is more a state of being than a mere title. Likewise, on this holiest of secular holidays, the word Snakes must always be capitalized, in reverence to them as our natural superiors, except for in the case of Sam Jackson (we hope.)

Random Snippet from the A.V. Club Interview with Samuel L. Jackson:

AVC: You're doing the voice of God for an audiobook version of the Bible. How does the voice of God differ from the voice of Samuel L. Jackson?

SLJ: Not very much.

Random Snippet from My Dream Last Night (For Real)

I, for some reason, end up at a conference table for last minute production work on Snakes on a Plane. This excites me very much as naturally it would. In lieu of payment at the end of the work, I’m rewarded with “Snake shoes” which allow me, for some reason probably tracing back to an old Weekend Update, to walk up skyscrapers.

Last Minute Changes to Snakes on a Plane

1. Andy Dick replaced with Samuel L. Jackson
2. Gratuitous nudity added (“for that David Lynch feel”)
3. Lot’s of “muthafucka’s” added back in (these were in the original script, but were cut after sounding “disturbing” when uttered by Mr. Dick.)
4. Plane given wings, no longer travels underwater.
5. Samuel L. Jackson character solves the Snake problem more violently, rather than with the chess-match diplomacy of the original script.
6. Snakes’ legs digitally removed after phone call from research department.
7. Whoever the hell changed the title to Pacific Air Flight 121 summarily fired and ordered to commit Hari Kari.

Best Review I Will Possibly Be Able To Leave the Theatre With Tonight

“That was worth missing the decisive Sox/Yankee game”

Worst Review I Will Possibly Be Able To Leave the Theatre With Tonight

“That was awesome! Let’s go see if we can catch the end of the Sox game.”

Top Three Reason to See This Film

1. Snakes
2. Samuel L. Jackson
3. Plane