PRAGMATIC THURSDAY!!

First things first. It’s come to my attention that there already exists an (apparently quite good) band by the name Grizzly Bear. My mistake. As far as I know, The Condoms is still untaken, so have at it, though Dave suggests that The Reservoir Tips might be even better.

Anyhoo…

SOME PEOPLE PREFER ILLUSION TO DESPAIR

This child is all of us.

1. Santa Clause comes down my chimney every Christmas Eve, bearing gifts for me on account of my being a “good boy.”

Pros: Free presents, sense of magic and wonder.

Cons: Have to come to terms with large man breaking in and messing around in the living room all night.

Strains on Credibility: We’re omitting the question of the plausibility of the flying reindeer, as that’s obviously just part of a marketing image, like the Michelin Man. Time constraints of the single night suggest that there must be at least a team of Clauses to handle the workload. Seems at once not officially affiliated with the church, and yet reserves his gifts for Christian (and western secular) children, which is contradictory in and of itself and also begs the question of his perceived benevolence. Many homes have no chimney. The necessary endowment required to make this an annual undertaking must be massive, and likely cripples the global economy by being withheld from circulation. Apparently hates poor kids.

Verdict: Presents

2. A Nigerian bureaucrat named Bola Johnson will give me millions of dollars in exchange for my assistance getting his money out of an international tangle.

Pros: Money for very little work. Seemingly risk-free.

Cons: Involves helping foreigners.

Strains on Credibility: I bank through a small credit union, which one would think makes me not ideal for this kind of transaction, unless the whole purpose were to be covert. That very well may be the case, but do to the language barrier, I’m having trouble reading our correspondence for “tone.” Seems like the perfect use for a Swiss account, rather than a corporate American bank (or CU.) A quick Google search of my name brings up a D.C. law firm in which each of the partners has one of my three names. Was Mr. Johnson if fact trying to reach them as regards this matter, and is mistakenly corresponding with me?

Verdict: Free Money

3. Richard Gere once had a live gerbil inserted into his anus in order to stimulate his prostate for sexual gratification.

Pros: Fitting comeuppance for someone much richer and more attractive than myself.

Cons: Stuck with mental image in my head (in actuality, not as much of a “con” as at first suspected.)

Strains on Credibility: Not much to go on. Seems as though if a man’s rectum were spacious enough to admit a gerbil any freedom of movement, then it is also spacious for the remedy to be self-applied, which would of course spare the “afflicted” the public embarrassment of having the physician remove it, though the purported story says otherwise. Also, the smug reverence with which he practices his Buddhism makes it difficult to imagine a time in which he would have participated in such shenanigans. Likewise, a Beverly Hills doctor would probably appreciate the confidence expected from his clients, and has surely seen much worse, making it improbable that he would leak the secret. In truth, the doctor has probably come to expect nothing less from his celebrity patients.

Verdict: I’m gonna keep the mental image.

4. lilViCtiM13@aol.com is not an FBI agent named Gary.

Pros: Someone to chat with while I update my Sailor Moon fan site each night.

Cons: None to speak of.

Strains on Credibility: Sometimes uses slang a little awkwardly, but such is to be expected from a young girl just coming into her own, especially when trying to impress someone older. Wanted to meet at her house upon first “chat” (Unfortunately I don’t have a car, but I don’t want her to know that.) Is interested in explicit and specific details of my personal tastes that I didn’t feel entirely comfortable divulging. Again, probably normal for a curious young girl, but still seemed preternatural to me. Perhaps she is not as sweet as she seems? Is always online, even during school hours.

Verdict: Maybe I should buy a car.

5. Sexual Predators are suitable material for comedy.

Pros: My last joke is able to fly without evoking moral outrage.

Cons: You’re getting worked up over nothing.

Strains on Credibility: I have certainly been accused of inappropriateness before now, although that might lead one to the logical confusion that I’m unlikely to change my behavior based on your opinion of it.

Verdict: Send all complaints to lilViCtiM13@aol.com.