C.H.U.D. Roundtable: February 2006

UPDATE!!

Cato has vigilantly (and righteously) stolen the contest lead from Socratic. As today is the last day of the contest, I expect unforseen filth from all of you. Scroll down to the last Sexy Friday to play!

SEXY FRIDAY!!

This is Sexy Friday, not Pop Culture Saturday, so remember to be crude and superficial, okay?

Good. Here we go.

1. Most overrated celebrity?

2. Most underrated celebrity?

3. Which celeb do you think you might have a shot with if you ever had a chance to hang out?

DISH OF THE DAY

Damn you, Will Shortz!

PRAGMATIC THURSDAY!!

In tweny-five words or less (thereabouts) give your Doctrine on the ideal execution of the following political aspects. Or rip into other people's doctrines. It's like a streamlined version of the current opti-threads, but with more swearing, and T&A.

1. Foreign Policy?

2. Economic Policy?

3. Educational Policy?

DISH OF THE DAY!!

Hehe. Fashionistas are dumb.

INANE WEDNESDAY!!

Me Edition!

1. If I were an Ice Cream flavor, what flavor would I be? Would I be delicious? Would I give you brain-freeze?

2. If I were to have another superpower, which one would you give me?

3. Which is the better book title - "God, an Autobiography by Dawson Smith" or "Dawson Smith, an Autobiography by God"?

DISH OF THE DAY

It was funny enough to see you try to prove that Scientologists aren't simple, gullible egomaniacs, while inadvertantly doing more to hurt your church's "cause" (money?) than any Hubbard-critic (literate living human?) ever could. Then, you found a way to get America to stand up for Brooke Shields, for crissake, simply by being crazy enough to call post-partum depression weakness, thus alienating 90% of your fanbase. Then you knock up Joey Potter and let the world phhotograph her dead-eyes mid-brainwashing. The NRA would be better off with Bernie Goertz as their spokesman than the Scientologists are with you.

Anyway, so it looks like your handlers let you off the leash just long enough for you to play online this week, where you semi-anonymously ranted at rumormongers and bragged about "getting rich while telling the truth." Then you shifted over to Wikipedia, where you battled with the moderator, trying to anonymously edit the College of William and Mary entry. Both instances were easily traced back to the same Paramount studios IP, proving the small, gossipy world of vindictive tech-geeks.

I'm guessing your publicist has given you an etch-a-sketch to occupy you by now.

ACTUAL UPDATE!!

Well, the contest is going about as well as I could have realistically hoped (scroll down to Friday if you don't know what I'm talking about) with Socratic in the lead. As we all know that a Socratic victory cannot stand, I urge you all to foul up your mouths and do your part! Multiple entries are fine, as this is a half-assed contest, but that doesn't mean we can let Socratic win! Now be dirty, guys!

MORBID TUESDAY!!

Your chance to pick a Dish of the Day!! Choose the mosts appropriate Karmic punishment and/or hell for your least favorite...

1. Politician

2. Musician

3. Athlete

DISH OF THE DAY

Fuck you, Cupid.

SPIRITUALITY MONDAY!!

The other night, as I lay asleep in bed, three thoughts all came to me more or less at once. None are very original, but I thought they were worthy of discussion anyway, so...

1. That heaven was an invention of ancient kings to make death at their service seem attractive.

2. Likewise, that hell is an invention for ones enemies, to prove the absolute folly of those separate from us; the birth of religious nationalism as we know it still.

3. That God's existence and benevolence is not contingent on either of these things.

DISH OF THE DAY

Okay, this is an esoteric one, so I'm going to drop the sceond-person conceit. Essentially, as you can read in the article, Dana Vale, this Austrailian MP, is trying to block RU486 on the grounds that with all the Muslims in Austrailia, they can't afford to not to get every Christian baby possible.

Simply stunning.

SCIENCE "SUNDAY!!"

1. If you could be/had to be a cyborg, what would your mechanical alteration be?

2. I'm curious as to where my four or five loyal C.H.U.D. readers fall on the idea of extra-terrestrials, and I'm going to leave it just that vague.

3. While helping my coworker decide on the paint for his new co-op, we came across a web-site talking about experiments in the emotional/behavioral effects of different colors. The experiment seemed fairly conclusive in the "different colors certainly have different effects" camp, but then ended with the statement that the effects were the same on a group of blind children as they were on the sighted subjects. This, of course, led us to conclude that the whole endeavor was bullshit, but it got me thinking, in what subtle ways might non-optic nerves be capable of sensing light?

DISH OF THE DAY!!

You're here for three reasons. First, You're Comic Book Guy come to life. That irritates me. Second, you look like Bruce Villanch, if nobody even pretended to like Brusce Villanch. Third, back in my college days,, NYU had a screening of Mission to Mars. Not only did the movie suck, but the scheduled guest speakers from the film, knowing of it's suckage, flaked at the last minute, denying us the right to flay them. You then led an internet tirade against NYU for getting pissed about it. I realize this is petty, but then again, it's cold out, and the C.H.U.D.s need to fatten up while they can.

POP CULTURE "SATURDAY!!"

What would be your favorite posible next career move for the following artists?

1. William Shatner

2. Hulk Hogan

3. Mariah Carey

4. Tony Danza

5. DJ Jazzy Jeff

DISH OF THE DAY

I don't much care for your music, but I have a feeling I would hate you in person. Which is a shame, really, because apparently you like Meat Loaf.

SEXY FRIDAY!!

Okay lads and ladies, it's time to step it up a bit. I realize that everybody who responds here frequents the opti-mates, but we don't need to keep the tones the same. Opti-mates lives in an immaculate tower. C.H.U.D. lives in the sewers. And so, the first Sexy Friday Contest!! Just write the dirtiest, most depraved responses you can think of. The poster deemed "most perverse" gets total props, which the American Commdities Exchange describes as "fuckin' WAY better than gold, man. You just don't get it cuz' you're all straight all the time." A ringing endorsement indeed. So, the contst begins...

NOW!

1. How deep is your love?

2. I like my women like I like my coffee...

3. You're a new Bond girl. What is your name? (And backstory, if you're feelin' saucy.)

DISH OF THE DAY

My coworker has some new neighbors...

PRAGMATIC THURSDAY!!

Spy-Bait Edition!

In honor of the new U.S. plan to perform sweeping dataveillence on seemingly all websites (including this one, and any that you might have) I devote todays questions to the brave men and women of the NSA, FBI, and CIA, protecting us from freedom-haters like the ACLU.

1. Would terrorists be able to non-violently destroy the U.S. economy with a few well-placed trucks chock-full of electro-magnets parked around the NY Stock Exchange? As I understand it, somebody tried that once, but that might have just been in a Dan Brown book I read. More importantly, could such an act truly be considered "terror," what with it's essential non-violent nature, or does terror now include any attempts to change a current system of power?

2. In the movie Fight Club, Tyler Durden quips that, "if you mix equal parts orange juice and gasoline, you can make napalm." This is incorrect, as it's really more of a two-to-one ratio. The moral issue here is, are they in the right for not disclosing the true ingredients for homemade weaponry, or in the wrong for presenting falsehoods as truth? What about my part in correcting the statement? Was it wholly unneccesary of me?

3. What's one example of a better, more cost efficient, less oppressive method of fighting terror, that maybe doesn't focus quite so specifically on monitoring activities of political opponents?

DISH OF THE DAY

See above. Come and get me, Toady-boy.

INANE WEDENSDAY!!

Unwittingly courtesy of 5ives' "Five things I'd ask every Supreme Court nominee if I sat on the Senate Judiciary Committee."

1. If you knew to an absolute moral certainty that you could capture and consume a live infant without being caught, how many do you suppose you could eat in a weekend?

2. Have you ever been spanked erotically by someone who was not your current legal spouse? Just yes or no, please.

3. Nominee, do you regard these slacks as accentuating my basket in an un-senatorial fashion?

4. Describe, in single words, only the good things that come to mind about... your mother!

5. Kindly rise, and sing the 1979 hit The Pina Colada Song, also known as Escape.

DISH OF THE DAY

I honestly don't know anything about your personality, way of life, how you treat your inferiors, or anything like that. I do know that you're apparently EVERYWHERE, and don't seem to have any demonstrable skills of any kind. I have also noticed that talentless celebrities tend to be the ones who feel the most entitled, which pisses me off.

Again, I'm not in your demographic. I don't watch your movies or listen to your music or buy your magazines, so maybe you're not at all like that.

But I bet you are.

ACTION FIGURE ART UPDATE!!

Usually when Socratic recommends something, it's sort of like the cat dropping the dead mouse on the doorstep. Well intentioned, and you appreciate it, but you've got edible food inside. (j/k Chris! lol!!)

Anyways, I must reccomend this, Which came to me via Socratic, and I believe came to Socratic via Asiansmiths. It makes me happy, and happy means less frequent bloodshed.

MORBID "TUESDAY"!!

Of the following choices, which would ostensibly be the more horrible method of execution? What about for interrogation?

1. Pliers or Dry Ice?

2. Waterballoons or Couscous?

3. Spearmint or Saffron?

DISH OF THE DAY

Microsoft Error Report

Description of Problem: Internet Explorer tries to start up on it's wn. That halts all other applications I have running. I want it to stop.

Solution: Why aren't you already running Internet Explorer?

Problem: Because I have Firefox and don't hate myself. Make your useless browser stop trying to open.

Solution: You really should try Internet Explorer. Have you seen all the browser features?

Problem: Yes. Your programs are fucking ubiquitous. I've seen them and chosen "no." Make it stop.

Solution: We're the world's leader in software development, you know.

Problem: I don't care. Mozilla works. Explorer just stops everything else my processor is working on so that it can give me the same damn error message over and over. And then when I uninstall, it's just sprouts a new head like some goddamn Hydra! Make it go away!

Solution: Would you like to download the latest version? It doesn't have the launch problems of your current version.

Problem: I want you to stick the latest version up your ass. Give me something that will take away the version I have before I send a pack of wolves after you.

Solution: The newwesat version would replace your old version, effectively getting rid of it.

Problem: I hate you.

SPIRITUAL MONDAY!!

1. Of all the established world religions, which one is best suited to be a foundation for an effective society?

2. Is any view of God doomed to be solipsistic? Can we imagine an ideal figure without imposing our own pride and doubts upon Him? (or Her?)

3. What, in your opinion (or mine, if you like) is the primary drawing power of religion?

DISH OF THE DAY

P-boi says that you're "a walking straw-man, " and they're right, but hell, people listen to Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, so I guess I better be on the safe side. Serve with olives. Olives and Justice.

SCIENCE "SUNDAY"!!

When can we expect the advent of these long-awaited technologies? What disadvantages do you envision?

1. Flying Cars?

2. Moving Sidewalks?

3. Practical Servent Robots?

DISH OF THE DAY

You're a poor man's Keanu Reeves. What is that like?

RIDING-ON-COATTAILS UPDATE!!

Some of you might be navigating to this site from the wondrous Logged Hours. I commend you, and ask that you feel welcome to dive right into the comments. That's what the page is (theoretically) about, and we want your input. Be as combative and obscene as you like. Thank you.

POP CULTURE "SATURDAY"!!

Best/Worst ______ of 2005?

1. Song (or album, if you prefer)?

2. Movie?

3. T.V. Moment?

DISH OF THE DAY

When I first started watching Baseball, I didn't have any deep-seeded passions one way or the other about it. Having just moved to New York, I became a de facto Yankee fan. The, over the Summer one day, you beaned Mike Piazza rather than face him like a man, and acted smug about it. Fine, I tought. screw the Yankees, I'll just cheer for the Mets. They're a New York team as well, just, you know, not as good. But you weren't done yet.

That October you faced the Mets in the Subway Series. Now, you had already lost me forever. You personally. Due to your sucking as a human being. As anyone can guess, after watching the series, I couldn't really cheer for the Mets either. I mean, I could in theory, but it's like going to an execution and clapping if it takes two tries. It's just futile, you know? But anyway, in game 1, I believe, you had what must of been your crowning moment in a career marked with exemplory cocksuckery.

The Wind-Up - you're facing Piazza again. Bastard just won't go down.

The Pitch - a fastball at around a hundred mph. Not bad for a guy your age.

The Hit - Piazza swings out a skittish ground that cracks his bat in half, with the fat part skimming over to the mound. Piazza runs for first.

The Play - a down-but-not-defeated you reaches down instinctively, grabbing not the ball, but the fat part of the bat, and proceed to THROW IT AT THE RUNNER. No matter that you couldn't do that even if you'd gotten the ball. You decided, for that moment, to turn baseball into pro wrestling, because you're a little child. I've heard people try to argue that you're just passionate about the game, and that's all you're tantrum proved. I'd say thatO.J. was passionate about Nicole Brown, but that's probably a bad analogy.

SEXY FRIDAY!!

What are the pros/cons/random observations of being with...

1. A Beer Boy/Girl?

2. A Wine Girl/Boy?

3. A Martini girl/boy?

DISH OF THEN DAY

You know, because I like to catch these things when they're fresh.

PRAGMATIC THURSDAY!!

Warning! Awesomely Disturbing Image Below!

Moving on!

1. If you knew to an absolute certainty that millions of drunks would develop passionate and immutable opinions about the different teams, what kind of professional sort would you invent? What are it's basic? What is its appeal?

2. What led you to your current position? How much of your decision was financial, and how much was dream-based? If you were unemployed tomorrow, what would you want to do next?

3. Okay, so I've had like, shit-all to do at work for the last week or so, but the studio's been running long hours. Essentially, my job was this blog, which due to my format, didn't really take up that much of my day anyway. Then yesterday, my well meaning coworker Dave (see yesterday's update) says, "Hey, if you're not doing anything, you should update those binders." What he means is that I should take these four-inch binders full of Radio Ad scripts from the 80's, which we only use now for our occasional demo reel, and retype them so that they look better, and don't show contain the date anymore, because ads for Jordache don't date themselves, now do they? So, because I'm currently being paid to sit on my ass and make others look prettier by comparison, I really don't have much recourse. So a big part of my last two days (Oh! and it will continue) has essentially been a bizarre twist on a boarding-school punishment. Instaed of copying pages from the dictionary, which at least would ostensibly teach you something, I comb through the history of the worst the greed-is-good decade had to offer, from L.A. Looks to the McDonalds Chicken LT sandwich (only 300 calories without mayonaise!) I can't create content, but at least I can reformat awful content from 20 years ago. So, question: How do I spin this for my resume?